Category Archives: Beautiful Contemplations

Beautiful Contemplations – That beautiful fear remains me. I so desperately want to survive this pain.

“A pattern of raised crisscrossed scars, some old and white, others more recent in various shades of pink and red. Exposing the stress of the structure underneath its paint”
― Amy Efaw.

Holding my arms together, side by side; representing polar opposites. On my left arm, old, faded scars- episodic visions of terror and distress are hidden beautifully by the tattooed words ” You are loved. My right hand however, displays the happenings of my latest episode…. caused by silence, those voiceless feelings that tell you there is no other option; destabilized rationality tell you that even if you had a voice, it would not be heard.

After the storm, after it is done.

I shake in a beautiful fear, that remains me. I am human and that indeed I so desperately want to survive this pain. . . Gently calming myself, I am sorry baby. . . I sing to myself:

hush little baby, put down that razor, don’t harm yourself. I express to myself how I live the life of a child. My life representative of an inner child in need of protection. My rational self vows never to hurt myself because after all I am just a child, my sensibilities are that of a child.

I pray so beautifully that my irrational self will never again come to the surface, a reality I know is all too good to be true. I can only hope that next time I will be able to fight my irrational self just that little bit more.

Read the rest of the story! Visit That beautiful fear remains me. I so desperately want to survive this pain. | Beautiful Contemplations.

Trigger Warning: Talk and images of self-harm

Beautiful Contemplations – The Story of An Orchid; The vicious cycle.

I am not particularly proud of the way I have handled myself lately. . . I am never proud of myself, I cannot believe how incredibly sick I have become in the time period that six months that is:

26.7 weeks, 182.5 days, 4380 hours, 262800 minutes and 15768000 seconds.

During the 15768000 seconds, pain has fulled my heart. During the 262800 minutes, I have been holding myself up grasping for air. Those 4380 hours, many of which have equated to sleepless nights, dissociation’s, flashbacks, destabilized routines and distorted rationality. Ah the 182.5 waterfall like days, they have been beautiful but such an vicious cycle from mania to excessive depression. In those 26.7 weeks, I have lost so much, it is so hard to express. I have lost my sense of self and I am fighting incredibly hard to get it back; let’s be honest now:

The reality is that life is incredibly hard at times and I truly am trying to do my best with the circumstances I have been given. But there are times where I question just that. sigh. But I also question if my life will get better, all I ever want to do is write honestly on my blog:

All I want is to be loved, to know that i will be missed. To have someone be kind to my heart. All my life I have felt like an experimentation, like I was on display: my legs and body sliced open for all to see in its raw entirety, robbed of my childhood and aspects- my best friends were nurses, occupational therapists, physios- I felt like I never had a voice, and when I did it was never heard. The truth is I am hurting more than ever and in therapy we have discovered that I am an Orchid.

Real Leaders, describe Orchids as individuals with super sensitive genes, but us Orchids can thrive beautifully and be great successes with ‘the right amount of water, nutrients and heat’ …meaning.. that given the right support we can flourish, that indeed does provide me with hope.

Read the rest of the story! Visit The Story of An Orchid; The vicious cycle. | Beautiful Contemplations.

Beautiful Contemplations – Getting used to new meds; offering a perspective on living with mental illnesses- my message.

Living with a mental illness, is extremely frustrating. Some days, I feel like I am inside another body, as though the body I am in isn’t mine- I find it easy to describe it as though you are looking in on your own life. You get up each morning and take your cocktail of drugs. Scoot around your room, searching for objects that you may injure yourself with, and if you have the strength- throw them out; if you don’t you find yourself at odds with your irrational and rational self. You may cry because you don’t want to inflict pain on yourself, but you also cry because you need to do it to escape pain. . .

If it is a good day, you are able to function; get in all your assessments, shower, eat, brush your hair and teeth. . .

On an average day, you do all of the general hygiene tasks but head back to bed unable to face people. On a bad day, you are fighting to be alive; you sleep all the time, disconnect yourself from the world and lose all sense of yourself. Let me remind you that for me the day may have elements of the latter within it. Welcome to the world of madness- A world that has for the last few years become my reality.

There are few places where I can be honest about my experiences of mental illness, but on my blog through my writing is one of the places where my beautifully raw journey is laid out by me for all to view. Talking about the voices I hear (inner voices, in many circumstances), the dissociations I experience, my instances of self-harm is something that I am not ashamed to speak of. One of the messages that I want to get across to everyone reading my blog is that mental illness is not a condition to be ashamed of, it is after all something that does not discriminate; I am in fact quite a successful young lady yet have ended up with several mental illnesses. It is never your fault, you are beautiful, you are brave, it is okay- you can still lead a productive life despite having a mental illness.

Read the rest of the story! Visit Getting used to new meds; offering a perspective on living with mental illnesses- my message. | Beautiful Contemplations.

Trigger Warning: Self-Harm

Beautiful Contemplations – Daily Blog Challenge: Month of July- Addressing Mental Health: The Positivity Trap

It is of my view that people get too caught up in what I like to call the positive trap, to explain that further it is where people feel the need to be positive all the time, where people feel the need to look at someone of worse circumstances and say well it could be worse. But that does not in anyway excuse the fact that you are going through a tough time. I am not saying not to be positive, but rather to realize that it has its’ limitations. The positive trap, is something that prevented me from moving forward in getting treatment for my mental illnesses. . .

I got so caught up in the positive trap. I put on a façade for five years- of positivity. . .

In therapy, I am learning how to regulate my emotions, because with the assistance of therapy I have been able to express emotions that have been bottled up for years- now they just will not stop flowing. However, I no longer feel guilty for expressing emotions in front of my friends- I do not fear that they will not want to be friends with me because I am perceived as being negative- I am lucky to have found friends that adopt the “we are in this together” approach, I get that long negativity can be unhealthy and can have a detrimental impact on those around us. But a wise friend who I came into my life just this year taught me something so true that these words will never leave me; when she told me this I knew it was the moment I could trust her, and believe that she would always be there.

She said… something along these lines..

“I don’t give up on my friends, even though the hard times. Because Shaz life is not meant to be easy, and you don’t give up on friends just because times are hard”.

Read the rest of the story! Visit Daily Blog Challenge: Month of July- Addressing Mental Health: The Positivity Trap | Beautiful Contemplations.

Beautiful Contemplations – Took The Pledge 2014 blog for mental health project: Update

Sometimes, I get all too caught up with living with several mental illnesses that it feels like that is all my life is about. It is all I am. I have forgotten what it was like not to have to report to my doctor and counselor weekly, I have forgotten what it was like not to have to swallow half a dozen or so tablets in one go. Forgotten what is like to live a normal day, sleep a normal night; have a normal schedule with things to look forward to. It feels like a dream at times though I have never actually gone to sleep. I have forgotten what it is like not to be afraid of razor blades, I have forgotten what it is like to shop for jewelry for its’ prettiness rather than its’ practicality for covering up wounds caused by self-infliction. . .

Today I made a choice, one that did not come lightly. For a fair while now I have had one assessment to complete and hand so I could pass a unit. It is no secret that I have had a tough semester this year at university. . . I decided today, that something just has to give, and if I must I have settled on redoing the unit next year. This means that my plans to do a master’s degree in social work will be set back further- but in the scheme of things I am not to bothered by this.

But.. I fear that I will not be able to financially support myself much longer, as I am already skating on thin ice, in that department. Get a job they say, I am barely able to cope with my university work as it is let alone having the commitments of a job on top of that. Choose your priorities they say, this time last year I was peer mentoring for two separate organizations, public speaking and engaging in activism surrounding disability issues and was on community radio and in a lot of leadership programs on top of blogging, university coursework and managing my health. This year, I am a resident advisor and I am on community radio (I will be leaving this role shortly)- all the other commitments, I have had to drop due to an unforeseen relapse in mental health.

Read the rest of the story! Visit Took The Pledge 2014 blog for mental health project: Update | Beautiful Contemplations.

Beautiful Contemplations

A few days ago, I told my doctor that I needed a break from all of this. I needed a break from the broken never ending tape recorder in my head that kept playing itself on an endless cycle of repeat.

This week I began a new medication. Like the beginning of any new medication I was incredibly nervous. I am going very well, still sedated but calmer then I have been in a long time. My anxiety has also dramatically decreased. However, the past few days have been a challenge; but as anyone who lives with any chronic illness or mental illness will tell you it is all a part of life. . .

There are few places where I can be honest about my experiences of mental illness, but on my blog through my writing is one of the places where my beautifully raw journey is laid out by me for all to view. Talking about the voices I hear (inner voices, in many circumstances), the dissociations I experience, my instances of self-harm is something that I am not ashamed to speak of. One of the messages that I want to get across to everyone reading my blog is that mental illness is not a condition to be ashamed of, it is after all something that does not discriminate; I am in fact quite a successful young lady yet have ended up with several mental illnesses. It is never your fault, you are beautiful, you are brave, it is okay- you can still lead a productive life despite having a mental illness. Yes it is very debilitating at times, but can be managed with the right therapy and perhaps medications…

Read the post in its entirety! Visit Getting used to new meds; offering a perspective on living with mental illnesses- my message. | Beautiful Contemplations.

Trigger Warning: Suicidal ideation, mention of self-harm