Category Archives: A Frequent Sadness

A Frequent Sadness – But Why Would Anyone Want to be That?

Or at least to make them feel like how I felt I had been treated. So they would lose what I had lost, and see what it felt like to be the weakling. And then maybe they’d stop hurting me. For good. Oh, I ached so badly with wanting to wreck revenge on anyone who even looked like they were going to bully me.

I wanted to be the villain who blended perfectly into the crowd – whom nobody noticed because they were average: lived an average life, had an average house, complete with average spouse, children, dog and car. Heck, sometimes the villain even passed off as a goodie in law enforcement. It wasn’t always so obvious that the villain was someone who had been ugly or stupid or whatever that made them ostracised in the past. And every death, every crime would come out of the blue, and nobody would ever catch them. Ever. . .

I wanted the feeling of triumph through revenge without any consequences. I wanted to be labeled a psychopath. When people were shocked at the revelations of my violent ideas, I was pleased. I wanted to be the villain. But WHY?

Why?

Because of power. I didn’t want to be weak anymore. I didn’t want to go on thinking that I was useless. I wanted to prove to everyone that I was better than they thought I was. Since nobody seemed to think that highly of me anyway, why not go the whole way, but in the way that I preferred?

It’s so easy to blame Tony Stark for Killian’s turn to villainy, or to blame my parents and/or family for my morbid thoughts… thoughts and ideas that I feel still define me in ways today (albeit decreasing, which is good). But. These events are due in part to my feeling that I didn’t have a choice. Whether I was truly trapped by external forces, or trapped by my own thoughts – I felt I had no choice, and no strength or power. And then we use what is within our grasp – what we have learned from others, or what we know might hurt them the most, to try and turn the tables. . .

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A Frequent Sadness – Can Someone Please Explain this to Me?

For a few months now (or at least since I’ve been through CBT), I’ve been feeling pretty OK.

And in that time I’ve been feeling a bit of a fraud.

I don’t get it. Perhaps someone can explain this to me?

I’m not ungrateful for feeling better – but it’s not really what I expected. I can still remember sitting in my doctor’s office (psychiatrist) and telling her that I felt like it wasn’t going to end. That was probably about 9 months ago. In a way, I almost can’t believe that it has happened – despite trusting my psychiatrist and going ahead with all that she suggested, working hard on my sleep schedule, avoiding things that stressed me out.

And yet. . .

As I recover, I am changing – I knew that I was going to come out of this whole experience a different person. I just didn’t know how much. Not so much that my personality was unrecognisable, but enough to change unhelpful habits and distorted thoughts into more mature coping mechanisms.

Right now, I feel pretty strange. I almost feel like I want to go back to being depressed. When I read the blogs written by fellow sufferers, I identify with them, and yet, since I almost do not feel depressed anymore, nor do I exhibit explicit symptoms of depression… I feel like a fraud. I feel like I’ve made up my own experience – because I am no longer experiencing it. I’m trying to tell myself that it such thoughts are invalid. Why would a happy, sane, human being make up miserable memories? I’m weird, but not that weird. (That’s me trying to use CBT by the way!). . .

Furthermore, I have realised this (this is what hit me): That as I recover and learn how to cope, the feelings of being sad and angry will start to fade. BUT it doesn’t mean that these feelings are automatically replaced with happiness. Often, these feelings are replaced with nothing. Why? Because learning how to cope, and learning how to be happy again are not always the same thing. It seems pretty obvious, but not always. Because when you are in a desperate situation, you are probably more likely to believe that everything will be better, if only this desperate situation were to be resolved. Except that is a convenient lie that you believe to keep yourself going forward. Believing that things will get better in itself is no bad thing, and it is not false. What is false is the belief of immediate relief, and the assumption that you will know what to do with yourself with all this is over.

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A Frequent Sadness

Little or large, old or young, male or female, depression and sadness hurts us all. Maybe you’re here because you are depressed and can’t tell anyone, or feel that nobody understands. Depression is a very personal, unique disease – we all have different experiences, and what bites some, may have mercifully avoided others. And yet we are united in our sadness. Some of us wonder whether it will ever end – each new science report gives us both hope and dismay. A new medicine with fewer side effects? Something to calm the urge to hide in bed? Something to help us sleep? If only there was something that would help us just be bothered with anything.

Some of us might be more vocal about our plight – in a bid to raise awareness that we are not lunatics, and that: no, we can’t just pull up our socks. Put it this way: Imagine if both of your hands got chopped off, and you couldn’t tie your laces, and someone said you weren’t trying hard enough. That’s a little bit like how it is when people who mean well/don’t understand tell us to pull ourselves together. Well sometimes we CAN’T. and the worst part is we feel useless for not being able to tell anyone that. So.

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