Monthly Archives: November 2014

Beautiful Contemplations – The Story of An Orchid; The vicious cycle.

I am not particularly proud of the way I have handled myself lately. . . I am never proud of myself, I cannot believe how incredibly sick I have become in the time period that six months that is:

26.7 weeks, 182.5 days, 4380 hours, 262800 minutes and 15768000 seconds.

During the 15768000 seconds, pain has fulled my heart. During the 262800 minutes, I have been holding myself up grasping for air. Those 4380 hours, many of which have equated to sleepless nights, dissociation’s, flashbacks, destabilized routines and distorted rationality. Ah the 182.5 waterfall like days, they have been beautiful but such an vicious cycle from mania to excessive depression. In those 26.7 weeks, I have lost so much, it is so hard to express. I have lost my sense of self and I am fighting incredibly hard to get it back; let’s be honest now:

The reality is that life is incredibly hard at times and I truly am trying to do my best with the circumstances I have been given. But there are times where I question just that. sigh. But I also question if my life will get better, all I ever want to do is write honestly on my blog:

All I want is to be loved, to know that i will be missed. To have someone be kind to my heart. All my life I have felt like an experimentation, like I was on display: my legs and body sliced open for all to see in its raw entirety, robbed of my childhood and aspects- my best friends were nurses, occupational therapists, physios- I felt like I never had a voice, and when I did it was never heard. The truth is I am hurting more than ever and in therapy we have discovered that I am an Orchid.

Real Leaders, describe Orchids as individuals with super sensitive genes, but us Orchids can thrive beautifully and be great successes with ‘the right amount of water, nutrients and heat’ …meaning.. that given the right support we can flourish, that indeed does provide me with hope.

Read the rest of the story! Visit The Story of An Orchid; The vicious cycle. | Beautiful Contemplations.

The Elephant in the Room – My Second Skin

I feel like there are two very different sides to me. There is the me that most people know, “the show” the people who see this side think I’m doing great, they think I’m happy and doing well. But as this blog has displayed that is just a front that I put on so as not to worry people. I spoke before about how I put people’s feelings first, this includes me pretending I’m fine so they don’t worry. But there are a “lucky” few people who have seen the “real me” the me that really isn’t all that happy and hasn’t been for a long time now.

My depression has evolved since its debut in my life, back then it was something that made me want to be alone and listen to sad songs, I didn’t understand what made me want to do this at the time, I thought I just liked sad songs, but I see now that it was at this point I developed my second skin. My depression skin. . .

I’m not sure what, aged about 5 made me listen to a CD of folk music by a band from the 60′s but I did, and I enjoyed it. As the years went on I kept going back to this CD. And there was one song that for some reason really stood out for me and I would listen to it on repeat. And I completely forgot about that song until very recently when I wrote a post called “More Than Glad to be Unhappy” which is a line taken directly from one of the Mamas and the Papas songs. Writing that post got “Glad To Be Unhappy” stuck in my head so I dug out the CD and had a listen. When I heard the song “Look Through My Window” I suddenly had flashbacks to sitting on my bedroom floor listening to the song on repeat. It’s a real typical depression song. You know on TV when you see someone depressed looking through a window whilst it rains? Well, that’s basically the idea of the song. It’s funny how something that seems so insignificant as a child really was the point I started to grow my second skin.

And so, it’s been 20 years since I was 5 years old. I always thought I got depressed more around the age of maybe 8 or 9, but maybe not. Maybe I have always been depressed. It seems depression has become my friend not my enemy in my journey through life. Its become a bit of an influence, a soul shattering, mind numbing inspiration that has helped me express things in a way I never thought I would be able to.

Read the rest of the story! Visit My Second Skin | The Elephant in the Room.

Beautiful Contemplations – Getting used to new meds; offering a perspective on living with mental illnesses- my message.

Living with a mental illness, is extremely frustrating. Some days, I feel like I am inside another body, as though the body I am in isn’t mine- I find it easy to describe it as though you are looking in on your own life. You get up each morning and take your cocktail of drugs. Scoot around your room, searching for objects that you may injure yourself with, and if you have the strength- throw them out; if you don’t you find yourself at odds with your irrational and rational self. You may cry because you don’t want to inflict pain on yourself, but you also cry because you need to do it to escape pain. . .

If it is a good day, you are able to function; get in all your assessments, shower, eat, brush your hair and teeth. . .

On an average day, you do all of the general hygiene tasks but head back to bed unable to face people. On a bad day, you are fighting to be alive; you sleep all the time, disconnect yourself from the world and lose all sense of yourself. Let me remind you that for me the day may have elements of the latter within it. Welcome to the world of madness- A world that has for the last few years become my reality.

There are few places where I can be honest about my experiences of mental illness, but on my blog through my writing is one of the places where my beautifully raw journey is laid out by me for all to view. Talking about the voices I hear (inner voices, in many circumstances), the dissociations I experience, my instances of self-harm is something that I am not ashamed to speak of. One of the messages that I want to get across to everyone reading my blog is that mental illness is not a condition to be ashamed of, it is after all something that does not discriminate; I am in fact quite a successful young lady yet have ended up with several mental illnesses. It is never your fault, you are beautiful, you are brave, it is okay- you can still lead a productive life despite having a mental illness.

Read the rest of the story! Visit Getting used to new meds; offering a perspective on living with mental illnesses- my message. | Beautiful Contemplations.

Trigger Warning: Self-Harm

cwsopentheeyesofmyheart

My name is Casey Smith & I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2014 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma. I hope that others will open their hearts & minds to the suffering of the mentally ill.

Read the post in its entirety! Visit Taking the pledge | cwsopentheeyesofmyheart.

Blood and Thunder

It’s taken me a long time to get to the point where I can talk about mental health, especially my own, openly and honestly.

My own struggles with mental illness have lead me where I am today. Shaped every aspect of my life. Helped me grow and learn.

My hope is that talking about my own struggles/triumphs will encourage others to do the same.

At the very least, my hope is it will show others that they are not alone. That there are people out there who know and understand. That it’s going to be okay, even when it doesn’t seem like it will.

Read the post in its entirety! Visit I am taking the Blogging for Mental Health pledge | Blood and Thunder.

Blessed Beyond Measure

I have bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, PTSD, and one psychiatrist had the nerve to tell me that I was narcissistic. Ooh, he ticked me off! Anyway, forget about him – what counts is that I belong in this group 🙂

Anyway, too many people “out there” in the world don’t recognize that mental illnesses are just as real as diabetes or cancer or high blood pressure. It’s not something that we CHOOSE. Heaven knows I didn’t want to grow up and have to take a handful of meds or see a psychiatrist every couple of months!

. . .I’m putting my life and my words out here so that maybe somebody will recognize herself – or himself – and get the help they need.

This is about getting rid of the stigma that we all face, sometimes on a daily basis. If you have depression, bipolar disorder or another mental health issue or two, click on Lulu’s name above and join in. The more voices that speak up, the louder we’ll be, and the more people we can reach!

Read the post in its entirety! Visit Blog for Mental Health | Blessed Beyond Measure.

Finding My Way Back

I have been dedicated to sharing what it is like to live with bipolar and borderline personality disorder. Lately, perhaps because the weather is brighter, and I am able to be outside more, or perhaps it is the ability to garden and grow my own vegetables, I have been feeling for the most part very well.

I do have my days though.

I was diagnosed approximately 3 years ago with bipolar 2, the year before that it was confirmed that I do have Borderline Personality Disorder. I am hopeful that as my demons are addressed, that BPD will no longer be the thorn that it has been. As for my Bipolar 2, I learned of it just before my cousin committed suicide from the same illness 2 years ago. I made a commitment to him and to myself that I would overcome and have a life where I will enjoy my senior years, with as much peace and calm available to me.

Read the post in its entirety! Visit Blog For Mental Health 2014 | Finding My Way Back.

Writing 4 Mental Health

Mental health and wellness is a universal concern. Visit A Canvas Of The Minds to learn more about this anti-stigma movement.

I encourage you to join this movement. As one with bipolar disorder who has survived suicide attempts, hospitalizations and homelessness. . .

Read the post in its entirety! Visit Writing 4 Mental Health – Taking The Pledge…