I am not particularly proud of the way I have handled myself lately. . . I am never proud of myself, I cannot believe how incredibly sick I have become in the time period that six months that is:
26.7 weeks, 182.5 days, 4380 hours, 262800 minutes and 15768000 seconds.
During the 15768000 seconds, pain has fulled my heart. During the 262800 minutes, I have been holding myself up grasping for air. Those 4380 hours, many of which have equated to sleepless nights, dissociation’s, flashbacks, destabilized routines and distorted rationality. Ah the 182.5 waterfall like days, they have been beautiful but such an vicious cycle from mania to excessive depression. In those 26.7 weeks, I have lost so much, it is so hard to express. I have lost my sense of self and I am fighting incredibly hard to get it back; let’s be honest now:
The reality is that life is incredibly hard at times and I truly am trying to do my best with the circumstances I have been given. But there are times where I question just that. sigh. But I also question if my life will get better, all I ever want to do is write honestly on my blog:
All I want is to be loved, to know that i will be missed. To have someone be kind to my heart. All my life I have felt like an experimentation, like I was on display: my legs and body sliced open for all to see in its raw entirety, robbed of my childhood and aspects- my best friends were nurses, occupational therapists, physios- I felt like I never had a voice, and when I did it was never heard. The truth is I am hurting more than ever and in therapy we have discovered that I am an Orchid.
Real Leaders, describe Orchids as individuals with super sensitive genes, but us Orchids can thrive beautifully and be great successes with ‘the right amount of water, nutrients and heat’ …meaning.. that given the right support we can flourish, that indeed does provide me with hope.
Read the rest of the story! Visit The Story of An Orchid; The vicious cycle. | Beautiful Contemplations.