For a few months now (or at least since I’ve been through CBT), I’ve been feeling pretty OK.
And in that time I’ve been feeling a bit of a fraud.
I don’t get it. Perhaps someone can explain this to me?
I’m not ungrateful for feeling better – but it’s not really what I expected. I can still remember sitting in my doctor’s office (psychiatrist) and telling her that I felt like it wasn’t going to end. That was probably about 9 months ago. In a way, I almost can’t believe that it has happened – despite trusting my psychiatrist and going ahead with all that she suggested, working hard on my sleep schedule, avoiding things that stressed me out.
And yet. . .
As I recover, I am changing – I knew that I was going to come out of this whole experience a different person. I just didn’t know how much. Not so much that my personality was unrecognisable, but enough to change unhelpful habits and distorted thoughts into more mature coping mechanisms.
Right now, I feel pretty strange. I almost feel like I want to go back to being depressed. When I read the blogs written by fellow sufferers, I identify with them, and yet, since I almost do not feel depressed anymore, nor do I exhibit explicit symptoms of depression… I feel like a fraud. I feel like I’ve made up my own experience – because I am no longer experiencing it. I’m trying to tell myself that it such thoughts are invalid. Why would a happy, sane, human being make up miserable memories? I’m weird, but not that weird. (That’s me trying to use CBT by the way!). . .
Furthermore, I have realised this (this is what hit me): That as I recover and learn how to cope, the feelings of being sad and angry will start to fade. BUT it doesn’t mean that these feelings are automatically replaced with happiness. Often, these feelings are replaced with nothing. Why? Because learning how to cope, and learning how to be happy again are not always the same thing. It seems pretty obvious, but not always. Because when you are in a desperate situation, you are probably more likely to believe that everything will be better, if only this desperate situation were to be resolved. Except that is a convenient lie that you believe to keep yourself going forward. Believing that things will get better in itself is no bad thing, and it is not false. What is false is the belief of immediate relief, and the assumption that you will know what to do with yourself with all this is over.
Read the rest of the story! Visit Can Someone Please Explain this to Me? | A Frequent Sadness.