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blahpolar diaries

I’m too new at this whole thing to make much sense of and on it myself, but yes sir I can google … so I did. Most of the initial hits spoke of the upside of hypomania (a potentially irresponsible angle) and one offered me a course for $99. . .

If you read Too Loud To Hear Too Bright To See by Juliann Garey, you’ll get a good look at how it all plays out right on the edge. Same thing, I think, if you read as much of Carrie Fisher’s writing as possible.

I’ve only just been diagnosed, but I’m already completely fed up with I hate bipolar it’s awesome memes. . .

Perhaps the thing to remember though, is that regardless of stats and studies, regardless even of reality itself, if you’re cursed with bipolar, you may as well learn to appreciate its blessings too. But probably not by fucking with your meds to attempt to harness hypomania. . .

Anyway, that’s the Google overview and now it’s installed in my brain, I’ll ponder it as I go along. And I’m on the lookout for benefits that don’t arise from hypomania.

Read the post in its entirety! Visit bipolars with benefits | blahpolar diaries.

Eating Disorder Drive Thru

It’s funny, in the eating disorder world they always say that a girl with an eating disorder is a personal trainer’s dream, and, well, they were right. I just didn’t know it yet. I’m a perfectionist, always have been. I’m sure a LOT of you girls are too, perfectionism is pretty common. I won’t undertake any task unless I know I can complete it and complete it well. I’m a tick in the box kinda girl. That’s how my Dad refers to it. So weight loss became another one of those boxes I wanted to tick. I followed my diet plan to a tee, exercised and trained the allocated amount, maybe even a little more. It’s really cool to start seeing changes, especially when I’d NEVER seen such changes before. But I wanted more, I wanted to train harder and diet harder so I could be even skinnier, I didn’t really tell my trainer this.

It worked for a while. . . but it was strange. . . Even though I’d ticked the box I was still so overwhelmingly unsatisfied. I’d say this is where the disorder began to kick in.

Read the post in its entirety! Visit I’d like a small serving of weight loss, a medium anxiety meal, and your largest plate of self-hatred, drizzled in isolation | Eating Disorder Drive Thru.

Trigger Warning: Eating disorder (numbers and some detail)

A Little Fearless

What makes it even more difficult is that there is a part of me that is capable of so many things when I’m not bound up in this mental straightjacket. Whatever it is that I want to learn or do, I can…when I’m functional.

But that makes it even more confusing to others. How can a person who is so capable be so non-functional?

I try my best to explain – but how exactly do you explain something so peculiar? How can I communicate just how overwhelming these challenges are? The brutal truth of the matter is that there really is no way to do so. . .

And so, at least for the time being, I continue to reside in this mental purgatory, however unjust that may be. I do my best to remind myself that my focus is on healing, not trying and repeatedly failing to explain my behavior to those who cannot comprehend why I act the way I do.

I completely understand why they don’t get it, and am eternally grateful for how much love and compassion that is given to me for an invisible injury. I am so grateful for those who believe the existence of my pain without being able to understand it.

Read the post in its entirety! Visit Blog for Mental Health 2014 – A Little Fearless.

The happy pages

The seven months since I was diagnosed have past in a blur, but I am stronger. I am better. I fight everyday. I refuse to let anything or anyone put me in a state of agitation and anxiety, yet I find that the biggest predator in this battle between life and death, is just myself.

I hold the keys to my jail. I just can’t figure out how to work them into unlocking the door.

I have a partner, who has been supporting me in my recovery and lately, I have found that he too is suffering from feelings of lowness.
I feel at fault.

The one thing I hate the most, more than whatever is going on in my own head and my own life, is watching others live in pain.
My focus now is on changing this throughout the world, for whom ever will accept the efforts I make.

Read the post in its entirety! Visit Blog For Mental Health 2014: The Happy Pages | The happy pages.

What is therapy like?

I started adding the writing and sketches of my therapy process in a blog as a way to document the process for myself.

I also hoped that by sharing my experiences it might help someone else on a similar journey.

“I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2014 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.”

Read the post in its entirety — and have a look at the sketches! Visit Blog for Mental Health 2014 | What is therapy like?.