I feel pretty overwhelmed and confused nowadays. The process of healing has been very difficult and painful as the old repressed traumatic events with negative feelings are being remembered and I re-experience them as before. When I start having a flashback of traumatic events, traumatic feelings occur and I experience both physical and emotional panic attack. I struggle from breathing with chest pain, headache, heart-burn and muscle ache all over my body. It’s as if I am thrown away by a storm or typhoon helplessly and I am scared to death. When it hits me, there is no room for me to think with consciousness. It just takes over me. It makes me feel helpless and powerless. I was alone getting attacked, beaten up, not rescued, abandoned and forgotten when I was beaten up by my father. My family was in the next room but nobody came rescue mr or fight for me. They did not call the police. They did not break into my room where my father was beating me up until I fainted and fell on the floor. They did not take me to the hospital. They did not come talk to me asking me if I were okay. They never talked about it. I was scared to death. I wished I had been dead. I was terribly sorry and sad when I became conscious and woke up. I was terrified with blooded and bruised face and head. I was horrified that something must have gone terribly wrong beyond my knowledge. Nobody was there for me. I despised God for having not taken my life away but having let me alive with terror. . .
On my way to the subway station after getting a little snack, I had the urge to call my sister. She’s the only family member whom I talk to from time to time. I told her that I have been seeing a psychiatrist to treat PTSD. She said to me that it was all up to me. WTF. What does that mean? I am learning that it was not my fault. I confronted her about not having done anything when I was beaten up and after I was knocked out with broken body and mind. “Why didn’t you do anything? “Why?” I cried out on the phone standing in the middle of street. Her response made me speechless. “I don’t remember a thing.” ???!!! WTF. “How could you not remember a thing?” “You really don’t remember any?” Then she said to me “No matter what I tell you, you would not understand or accept it.” She avoided my confrontation in denial. I started crying out loud and couldn’t stop crying. My heart ached. It hurt helplessly. Chest pain. Heart-burn. Trouble with breathing. Red sirens were buzzing off all over my body. I was chocked up. I felt like fainting. Terrible headache. I was that 17 year-old girl beaten up physically and emotionally with blood and bruises outside and even more bruised and broken heart inside. I remembered what it was like being in that room abandoned and experienced it again. It was a war for me without any weapons or shields. I got defeated. Excruciatingly painful. Despair. Tears. Heartache. Fear.
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