Bleached Bone Valley/AZ Gringa

I didn’t know about the Blog for Mental Health 2014 Project when I started Bleached Bone Valley a few days ago. Until now I thought of this blog primarily as a medium to help myself. It still is that, but I see that I have an opportunity to maybe help someone other than me, and I want to be an actual doer of good deeds. . .

If you’re suffering from depression or any other condition that affects your mental well-being, do seek help and take care of yourself.  Reach out. You are not alone.

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The Rules for Peace/The Search for Peace from Under a Butterfly’s Wings – The Other 4 Letter Word

This word is dangerous, in fact far more threatening than any other that has ever slipped through my lips or crossed my mind. Rage is lightning about to explode, too close to the ground – the inevitable victim being me rather than the person who has inflicted the wound.

Taught that this emotion is not acceptable and that good girls do not get angry, let alone Rage; I have swallowed hundreds of pounds and medications to quell this unstoppable freight train. Once it has left the station, I cannot control it, rather it controls me. We hide from one another, like children playing a game – search and destroy instead of hide and go seek.

I do my best to avoid Rage. This includes tossing myself onto the burning hot train tracks in an effort to make sure that innocent bystanders are safe. Nobody mistakes my being lost for lack of direction.

Read the rest of the story!  Visit The Other 4 Letter Word | The Search for Peace from Under a Butterfly’s Wings.

PRE? Partum Depression

But I don’t want to start this pledge by talking about the past.  I want to talk about what I’m going through right now.  I want to look at depression through these new eyes; these eyes waiting to see my baby.  I’ve never heard anyone use the term prepartum depression, never read any articles, or watched any Tom Cruise crashing Oprah Winfrey shows about it.  I’ve done a little research and what I can find out is that it is possible that the hormonal changes during pregnancy can be as devastating mentally as those after pregnancy.  That if you experience depression during pregnancy you are more likely to develop postpartum depression.  If you are prone to depression you are more likely to become depressed during pregnancy.  Basically, it is entirely possible to be up that proverbial stinky creek – and that is what it feels like at times.

However, as I’ve already said, I’ve experienced seasons of depression and this feels nothing like it.  I sincerely believe these bouts of misery and paranoia are more hormone induced than anything else because sometimes they come on like a hot flash (which I’m also getting now, thank you estrogen) but go away as quickly.  Other times I won’t sleep for weeks because every time I lay down at night I can’t stop picturing in horrible detail all the ways my baby could get hurt.  This isn’t regular first time mom jitters so please don’t try to shrink me. . .

What makes it all the harder to pull myself out of these slumps is how closely they affect my daughter.  When you have depression you know that your emotions affect your loved ones – but my daughter is INSIDE me.  No one is ever going to be this close to me.  I know she is safe in her little cocoon but I feel guilty that she has to share this with me.  I feel guilty that I can’t just celebrate her but that I cry and can’t get out of bed because of fear.

Read the post in its entirety! Visit PRE? Partum Depression | More Than Mommy.

Go with Your Gut!

My worries and anxieties have taken on many different forms over the years. Certain things that used to bother me, don’t bother me at all, and things that I was never bothered by, I am paralyzed by now. I’ve passed up amazing experiences, pushed away people that I love, and have allowed myself to feel inferior because of it. I have also been plagued by the physical symptoms of stress and anxiety. I was diagnosed with ulcers at the age of 21, shingles at 23, and experience headaches, body aches, jitters, low immunity, and other digestive issues. I’ve had periods of “normalcy” as I like to call them. Where I’ve felt great, and was able to function on a more “standard” level, I was even happy! But those fearful feelings always found their way back, destined to plague me forever, (or at least that’s how I feel sometimes). I’ve tried many forms of treatment, and have only found short term relief at this point; hence my advocacy toward Mental Health awareness. With all of the other disease related awareness out there I guess Mental Health got lost in the mix, unfortunately, which needs to change now! I believe that because of the lack of awareness, many people are forced to deal with these demons internally, afraid or ashamed of stepping forward. There is a stigma associated with mental health as we all know. It’s almost as if the words “mental illness” are forbidden, and if you speak them, they somehow attach themselves to you. Mental illness is not who you are, it’s what you are experiencing. Those people who think victims of mental illness are “crazy,” are just ignorant.

Read the post in its entirety!  Visit Blogging for Mental Health | Go with Your Gut!

The Rules for Peace/The Search for Peace from Under a Butterfly’s Wings – I am a Rock

Fear of failure, of success, of mediocrity; all leave me with my foot hovering above the first movement towards tomorrow. I’ve been haunted and tormented by the present and past; questions that none of their business yet the softness gives in, my knees grow weak as I explain myself yet again.

In an effort to give my dream, my journey, a fair chance I must become a Rock. Aside from my best friend, an introspective hound with understanding, thoughtfulness and candor as long as his ears. I’ve explained to my husband that beginning Monday, I am going to keep “office hours” during the daytime. Staying awake all night, waking in the early afternoon to his whirlwind of needs and then once world peace is settled and I’ve restored the panda population; I may spend what I left of my time on my passion and future. In this case, today: 2:45 AM.

Read the rest of the story!  Visit I am a Rock | The Search for Peace from Under a Butterfly’s Wings.