I sometimes wonder whether I should share my true feelings with people or not. I don’t want to make them feel uncomfortable or bad by sharing my true feelings that are not always positive. I sometimes deal with anger, shame, depression and such as it comes to me overwhelmingly which makes me feel helpless. I am learning to cope with it in a more controlled and positive way so that I will not feel helpless and unsafe any longer. I am no longer living with the abuser. I keep distance from my father for my mental wellness to keep me from any unwanted verbal and psychological abuse and anger from him. Nobody can harm me in any way. But there is a sense of fear and horror stored in my body system that often comes out and hits me. It’s 3:29 a.m. now and I will go to sleep. Slept all day because I was sick with runny nose, sneezing, headache and fever. I stayed in bed all day. I don’t feel terrible about being sick alone as I used to any longer. That’s progress. I emailed a couple of friends of mine in the U.S. that I was sick with a cold. They all emailed me back that they were hoping that I would get better. They are wonderful. I love them. . .
. . . My psychiatrist told me that I had power and potentials to smile big again no matter where I was. She told me to thin of a happy place that I could think of. I thought of the park by Fort Mason in San Francisco where I went almost every day when I lived there. Interestingly, physical symptoms of anxiety and fear after she asked me to talk about my rape experience were relieved. She told me about the power of my mind over my body. Psychological distress causes physical pain. That’s how I could put somatization disorder, simply.
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