You Are Not Alone – Happy with excitement, yet worried about rejection.

Tonight, S. told me that he was also interested in exploring a deeper relationship with me. I totally did not expect to hear that from him. I started telling him how much I wanted to be with me and how hard it made me feel with emotional conflict. He has been thinking about it lately with realization that he has become more and more busy with his career and he would not have time for a normal romantic relationship. Most women would not want a relationship with him because he is too busy with his work and unavailable. Would that make him more positive about pursuing a long distance relationship with me because he is unavailable for a normal relationship with someone locally so that it wouldn’t really make any difference anyway for him despite our distance? He’s a software engineer using more logic than feelings unlike me. I was actually thinking about that, too. He is too busy with work anyway and has really no chance to date someone out there who would tolerate his unavailability. He is too busy to date and build a relationship when he works for 12 hours, goes to bed by 9 or 10 p.m. and gets up at 4 or 5 a.m. He lives with his mother in her studio paying her rent and sleeping on the floor to save money. He wants to buy her a house in 2 years when she gets retired in Seattle and plans on living and working overseas. He’s focusing on building his career and saving money for that. He talked about coming to Korea and living and working with me as a possibility. Well, I asked him to choose Korea and he said yes. We both like each other, find each other very attractive and enjoy each other’s company. If/when we are living in the same geographic area, nothing should stop us from being in a relationship, should it? I refuse to be his platonic roommate. . .

I . . . expressed my emotional conflict with my unrequited love knowing he was unwilling to try out a relationship with me because of long distance. For me, it’s the person whom matters the most, not other conditions. He’s the most handsome, attractive, charming and beautiful man in the universe to me. Yes, I am crazy about him and am into him. Every time I look at his photo and his face on Skype/FaceTime, my heart beats fast with excitement. I get hypnotized. It’s real and rare. I know it’s special.

Read the rest of the story!  Visit Happy with excitement, yet worried about rejection. | You Are Not Alone.

Getting Naked

Bipolar is a two faced beauty queen. She is a virgin, ballerina, poet and a fishnet wearing whore – sometimes in the same day. She is beautiful and dark. She is soft and abrasive. I’m watching her closely and taking notes as I try to figure her out.

I wanted to contribute to this project because I am ecstatic that there are others out there trying to make a change in how we view mental illness. When someone gets sick with the flu, gets cancer, is diagnosed with emphysema, we gather around them with support and prayer. Mental illness isn’t always viewed in such a supportive light. I hope that with each blog entry posted for this project, we move stigma one step closer to the middle of a busy New York road so that it can be run over by a bus, picked at by rats and roaches, end up a carcass that is dropped into a landfill to rot away.

Read the post in its entirety!  Visit Blog For Mental Health 2014 | Getting Naked.

Unstuck in Time

I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2014 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.

Find out more by visiting Unstuck in Time. : Blog For Mental Health 2014.

You Are Not Alone – Staying in all day……

Thought of going to church for a few seconds but lost the track of time while reading blogs and Web sites on histrionic personality disorder and somatization disorder. I received the results from psychological tests ( 1. Korean-Wechsier Adult Intelligence Scale: Doppelt version, 2. Bender Gestalt Test, 3. House-Tree-Person Test, 4. Roschach Ink Blot Test, 5. MMPI (Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory), 6. Sentence Completion Test, 7. Clinical Interview ) last Friday with a psychiatrist. It was suggestive of 1. Somatization disorder, 2. Personality problem (Histrionic tendency), 3. Intensive individual psychotherapy. Dr. Soh suggested psychoanalysis treatment and hypnotherapy. Tomorrow, I have an appointment with her at 4 p.m. Pretty excited about how this therapy would help me get better. With the limited time and support unto 8 free sessions with this psychiatrist recommended by my counselor at Korean sex crime crisis center whom I met once last month, I am committed to doing everything I can to recover from my mental health issues. . .

I want to get better, heal and be happier. I have suffered from sharp and overwhelming pain, horror, terror, loneliness, depression, anxiety, and sorrow silently for over 30 years. No more. I want joy, happiness, laughter, enlightenment and love. I want to put all the past behind and move forward. No more vicious relationship cycle with emotionally unavailable or impossible men. I want to focus on positivity and good feelings now. There is no tomorrow. Only now exists.

Read the rest of the story!  Visit Staying in all day…… | You Are Not Alone.

One Day At A Time

I initially created this blog as a journal of sorts. A place that was mine, to talk about how I was feeling and I never imagined anyone would care let alone appreciate it, some even spread the word about what I do here. I’ve been fortunate to be a part of the WordPress Community and I’ve discovered some amazing people who are all going through struggles of their own. It is those people who inspired me to share more, and take part in this pledge. . .

I had to hit bottom to decide I wanted something different from what I’d tried before. Some could argue that what I go through is not anyone else’s business, but do you know what? That’s the problem with Mental Illness, no one wants to know. No one wants to understand and  thanks to therapy, medication and positive thinking, I have more Mental Health in my life than Mental Illness. I will always have times where things are a little too much to handle. But I will also have times where I feel great because I’ve accepted myself as I am. I love the fact that I am different. I love that I FEEL emotions differently and that I have an extreme level of empathy and really care about people. I mean I REALLYcare about those I love.

Read the post in its entirety!  Visit Blog For Mental Health 2014 | One Day At A Time.